为什么在社交媒体和个人上“妈妈的羞辱”需要停止
Parenting critiques may be well-intentioned, but they’re not without consequences, a new poll finds. One mom shares her experiences — and what others should know.
去年冬天，安娜·考夫曼（Anna Kauffman）的家庭带来了一个疲惫和沮丧的季节，因为她的两个年轻女儿似乎不断生病。
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Fever. Runny nose. Repeat.
因此，她从人们那里听到的反复发表的评论：“他们很生病，因为他们在日托中，”她被告知。
“When you’re dealing with something like this and you’re already tired and then someone makes a comment that indirectly seems to blame you, it can be really hurtful,” says Kauffman, 32, who is responsible for digital media related to the monthlyC.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health.
It’s just one example of what’s been dubbed “mommy shaming.”
As a mom to Olive, 3, and Pearl, 1, Kauffman has faced her share of parenting decisions. How long to breastfeed? Comfort a crying child all night or let hercry it out?是否超时?
她目睹了其他妈妈对他们做出的决定感到羞耻。
这些经验帮助激发了本月关于妈妈羞辱的莫特民意调查主题。
In the national poll, 6 in 10 mothers of children ages 0 to 5 said they have been criticized about parenting, on everything from discipline to breastfeeding. Moms most frequently felt second-guessed by a spouse or the child’s other parent, in-laws or their own parents.
考夫曼explains more about the poll — and how moms can help one another:
“妈咪羞辱”是什么?
考夫曼:Mommy shaming is when other people (relatives, strangers at the grocery store, other moms on the playground, etc.) openly criticize a mom for her parenting choices, which might cause her to feel ashamed or doubt herself.
We hear a lot about mommy shaming related to celebrities on social media. For example, Chrissy Teigen became a recent target when she and her husband, John Legend, were photographed having dinner together not long after their daughter was born. Critics hurled insults and accusations at Teigen for leaving her baby with another person so soon after her birth, indicating that it’s not socially acceptable for a mom to take a break and have dinner with her husband.
SEE ALSO: How and Why to Set Effective Limits for Your Kids
While the celebrity examples of mom shaming are high-profile, normal everyday moms experience criticism, too, and it can be just as hurtful.
互联网和社交媒体如何影响妈妈对育儿的批评的方式？
考夫曼:Social media definitely has its benefits, like helping moms feel more connected to friends and family who live far away. But in my experience, social media can also be a platform for comparison and criticism that makes being a mom especially difficult. The expectations set by picture-perfect families and Pinterest parties are too much for anyone to live up to — especially if they seem like a stark contrast to a mom’s own home life.
Add in the conflicting pressures from friends and family who want moms to share more photos and stories about their kids versus the pressures from other friends and family who say moms are sharing too much about their kids — it’s enough to make even the most put-together mom feel frazzled.
有什么your experiences with mommy shaming been like?
考夫曼:对我来说，随着时间的推移，较小的评论产生了最大的影响，或者在有许多其他原因上引起了我的压力。This highlights that while some comments don’t seem like they would be hurtful from an outsider’s perspective, they still make a negative impact when you consider the context of everything else going on for a mom of young kids — sleep deprivation, hormones, stress — along with the volume of unsolicited advice that moms receive.
我听到的大多数评论都与喂养和营养有关，它们涵盖了广泛的意见。人们会评论我的孩子吃得不够，而其他人则说他们吃得太多。我还收到了关于女儿饮食如何健康的非专业评论，以及我的孩子喝太多牛奶的批评，这将导致健康问题。另一个普遍的批评是，我对孩子的饮食有所作为，我应该放松一下。
从蓝色发出的这样的评论值得付出很多，尤其是当妈妈已经筋疲力尽，压力并尽力为孩子们做出好选择时。
您从莫特民意调查结果中学到了什么，最令人惊讶的是什么？
考夫曼:我们发现，许多妈妈（大约十分之六）对他们的育儿进行了批评。最常见的是，批评来自妈妈附近的人，例如他们的配偶或孩子的另一父母，公婆或他们自己的父母。
引起最批评的主题是纪律，饮食和营养以及睡眠。重要的是，经历批评的一半妈妈说，他们避免了太批评的人，而十分之四的妈妈说，批评使他们不确定自己的育儿选择。这很重要，因为很多时候人们认为他们通过向妈妈和小孩提供建议来提供帮助。但是，如果将这些建议解释为批评，那可能会适得其反。
How does this shaming affect the health of moms and kids?
考夫曼:When a mom perceives that she’s been shamed, it can shake her confidence and increase her anxiety about parenting. Raising young children is a very raw time in life, especially the first few years when moms have to make several choices every day on behalf of their children. Criticism can impact a mom’s ability to make these important decisions, and over time this can be harmful to the health of both moms and kids.
From the perspective of a mom, what mommy-shaming trends are most hurtful?
考夫曼:对我来说，刷牙或嘲笑陌生人的随机评论更容易。但是，当我信任的人发表评论时，可能会更加伤害。另一个因素是我已经对育儿选择进行了多少研究。如果我对自己的选择感到自信和了解，那么有人发表了一条评论，这引起了人们的质疑，这可能会触发挫败感，而不是对我对我没有太多考虑的事情的评论。
责备是另一个大。当发生不好的事情（例如孩子受伤或生病）时，评论妈妈应归咎于这一发生的事情可能会非常痛苦。
我认为成为一个好妈妈的愿望是自然的，大多数妈妈为他们的家人做出最佳选择而投入了很多精力。当受到质疑时，它可能会对妈妈对自己和作为母亲的能力的信心产生负面影响。大多数妈妈are really doing their part to make good choices, and I think they deserve more credit than they’re often given.
妈妈可以回应妈妈羞辱的积极方式？
考夫曼:We found in the Mott poll that moms respond to criticism in a number of ways, some more positive than others.
莫特民意调查中的许多妈妈经历了批评，通过自己搜索信息或向医疗保健提供者寻求有关某个主题的建议，进入了研究模式。I’ve gone into many of my daughters’ well-child exams with a mental list of new topics of concern to vet with their doctor, who patiently tells me whether those issues are even “a thing” I need to worry about (most of the time, they’re not).
民意调查的另一个积极信息是56 percent of moms who experienced criticism decided to stop criticizing other moms as a result. Moms choosing to band together and support one another rather than criticize one another could go a long way.
所有建议都是禁止的吗？人们对妈妈说什么会有所帮助？
考夫曼:The old saying “it takes a village to raise a child” still applies. Moms need support and help to guide them through the early years of parenting. I have found advice from other moms who have kids the same age as mine or moms of older kids who have already survived the early years to be extremely helpful.
It’s good to offer help to moms of young kids, but it’s also important to keep in mind that supportive comments will be more helpful than critical comments. Sometimes, a mom just needs to hear that she’s doing a good job.
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